I am writing this letter to inform you that I am leaving you and the kids. Ever since I learned to embrace my darkside with my new friend Gary, I have not been content to stay at home.
I can no longer wake up in the morning to go to a job I hate. My time is the night and my people are night people. I can no longer go to church every Sunday. My God is the devil now. I can no longer eat pizza on “Pizza Mondays.” My hunger is for human flesh because I am a vampyre.
Ever since I met Gary while waiting to get my oil changed at Midas, I have been exposed to a new, evil world of coffins and skulls. My nights will no longer include reading fairy tales to Nicholas and Sarah, but instead dancing at late night raves where human blood sprays from the sprinklers.
My exit is not due to a lack of love. While I no longer love your God, I still love the kids, I still love my country, and I still love you. But with my new lifestyle as a vampyre, I cannot in good conscience continue to live the life I have been living. And for that, I am sorry. If you would like to work out some sort of “sex only” thing we can talk about it.
Your husband Michael
(photo via seanorr)