No sir, I’m not nervous. But heck, I got a good reas'n to be.
See, today is Pa’s weddin’, and I’ve got an import'nt job. I’m the ring bear’. And if I screw up, I'ma gonna ruin the whole weddin’, see. Pa told me, “Randy, this is an importn’t job, and if you fug it up, I swear to Jesus, I will make you sleep face first in cow browns.”
I don’t wanna sleep in no cow browns.
First off, I gotta make sure that I got ma ring pill'w. Then, I gotta make sure I got the rings. Then, I cain’t trip or sneeze or nuthin’. Lastly, I gotta maike sure Mee Maw ain’t too hot or she’ll die and haunt me like Pa said.
And the whole time, I gotta behaive, too. If I start makin’ a fuss, the devil’s gonna shove his hand through the dirt and grab me and pull me into Heck!
Oh no! I got hot dog ketchup on ma vest! Pa’s gonna kill me! He told me that I cain’t ruin this day for Harley, or she’ll be the meanest ol’ stepma I ever haid! And I’ve haid ma fair share of mean stepma’s.
Well, nice talkin’ to ya and all, but I gotta go practice ma cotilli'n for the party. I gotta impress Harley’s family, because they think we’re “blue collar bumblefugs.”
I ain’t no bumblefug.